Being Strong
by Bioboy
Summary: This follows Mac thoughts immediately after the season 8 premier.


Being Strong

Author's Note: I already had this fic on another site, but I cleaned this one up a bit, so I thought I'd repost it. I wrote this immediately after the season 8 premier. With a few possible exceptions, this will be the last story I'm going to post on this site or any site (quit your cheering). I've recently found out that I've been selecting to attend OCS for the United States Marine Corps this fall. Unfortunately, because of this I won't have the time to continue with my writing. This is something I've been striving towards for some time and before you ask, no, 'JAG' did not influence my decision to join the military. I'm going into the Marines with an air contract with the hopes of eventually ending up in an F/A-18E or F Super Hornet. I've greatly appreciated everyone who has taken the time to send me feed back especially those who did it via private e-mail and had longer lasting communication between us. 'JAG' is probably going to end long before I ever get a chance to sit down at type something up again, but that doesn't mean I won't frequent this site and others like it in search of great stories in the mean time. As for my fellow authors out there in cyber space, if you're not sure about something regarding military, especially the Marines or flying in general, drop me a line and I'll be glad to help.

1020 ZULU U.S.S. SEA HAWK NORTH ARABIAN SEA

Fishing the torn halves of what used to be complete books out of my room's trashcan I can't help but laugh a little bit. There hasn't been a lot to laugh about lately so I'm glad I can find something to laugh at. We're flying out of here today on the evening COD. Turns out, LT. Singer is going to be Bud's permanent replacement and true to her ambitious nature has arrived aboard ship earlier than expected. We only talked to her as much as absolutely necessary and in less than a day's time Harm and I are going to have to think of something to tell the Admiral about all this. I'm sure begging could play a part. Now that's funny, Harm on his knees begging the Admiral for compassion. He's too noble to allow me to throw away my career; he'd sacrifice himself to the Admiral first and do it before I'd even get a word in edgewise.

Harm really surprised me yesterday. Coates was breaking down, I was breaking down and crying, and there was Harm being strong for all three of us. It's that damn pilot training of his that keeps him so calm, so in control. There was a day I criticized him for it, hell I damned him for it. Yesterday was a different story; yesterday I'm glad it was there. Harm didn't let anyone think Bud was going to die for a moment. The doctor, Coates, me, but mostly I think it was for himself too. He just oozed confidence, especially when we talked to Bud before they went back in. I followed Coates in, but I didn't understand why she stopped until I saw Bud for myself. He was so tore up, blood trickling from his head, a little in his mouth and his leg, well, what remained of it. It was enough to make me stop in my tracks too. Of course, Harm didn't let that stop him and he walked right up to Bud. Harm's voice never wavered either, which is more than I can say for Coates or myself. Even challenging him to tell Harriet he loves her for himself is more than I could've done at the time. He wanted to do more, for Bud obviously, but for me too. He wanted to hug me when I told him I didn't have a comeback to Bud dying, probably as much as I wanted him to. I wished so badly that we weren't in some damn corridor with people walking through it waiting for word on Bud just then.

I'm sorry; I said Harm surprised me yesterday didn't I? Holding my hand, his arm on my shoulders, a smile every now and then. None of all the gestures he made yesterday surprised me, not that I didn't appreciate them though. No, what surprised me were his own tears when the doctor came out and told us he was going to live. I was shocked to see him cry like that. I guess being strong for others had taken its toll and now that the danger had finally passed, that the need for his strength had passed, he could allow himself to feel something for himself. I thought it would have ended there, but it didn't. Harm composed himself when they let us back in to see Bud. He was out cold, but he looked better and he still had his knee. After five minutes, they ushered us out again. Later, when I reached the officer's mess it was practically empty save Harm. Before I even reached him in the far corner of the room, I could see he was crying. I vowed I'd be the one to be strong for him and marched right up to him and hugged his back. I didn't give a damn any more if someone saw us like that. He leaned back into me and for that I was glad. I was partially fearful that he'd shut down on me. After a few moments, I realized that Harm cries like I do. Silent tears, silent sobs, anything to avoid bringing attention to ourselves. I learned how to do it by watching mom, she'd cry quietly after dad would beat her to avoid enraging him further. When he started verbally abusing me, I learned first hand the value of that lesson. I imagine Harm learned differently. In fact, I'd bet he trained or rather forced himself to do it. Watching him yesterday, I could see him as a young six-year-old boy doing the same thing he'd done then, being strong, that time for his mother. I imagine he didn't want to add to her grief, he'd only want to help by being strong for her, but when he was alone in his room I'll bet the tears came despite his desperate attempts to hold them back. Knowing that the tears couldn't be stopped Harm'd do the next best thing. He'd cry very quietly and very alone. At least I got cry with mom before she left.

I never asked him why he was crying, Bud was out of the woods and going to live. We were all going to live. I don't know if that incident when he was the one standing on a mine was a part of it or not. He didn't say and I think I'll wait awhile before asking him about it. I'm sure it was a part of it though. It didn't take Harm long to stop crying. Another thing we have in common, the crying is done quickly and quietly. Wiping his eyes and turning around he gave me a brief hug and said, 'Thank you Sarah.'

Just like that, thank you Sarah, like he calls me that everyday. I can count on one hand how often he's done that. I was surprised, but recovered quickly when I suggested we get something to eat before returning to the Sea Hawk. Bud was going to be flown to Germany soon and we wouldn't be allowed to follow him there. Tossing the halves back in the trash, I resign myself to the fact that neither one was that great and maybe Harm did me a favor without my realizing it. Like staying here with me for example; a favor without my realizing it. Of course, this one will cost one or both of us, but it was worth it. If anything was worth it, this was. I wouldn't have wanted to go up to Harriet and give her a hug for Harm. I don't think I could have faced her. She knows Harm stepped on a mine, but escaped unscathed. Why shouldn't Bud have been afforded the same luxury when he was only trying to do something so noble as to save a child?

A knock on my door disrupts my thoughts of Harriet and Bud and their upcoming struggles. "Who is it?"

"Its Harm, can I come in or are you getting dressed again?"

I thought he wanted to help with that? I know exactly what he really wanted to do yesterday and just thinking about it has several body parts turning traitor on me. "Not this time." I reply, opening the door for him. "What's up?" Harm steps through the doorway and closes the hatch behind him.

"I was wondering if you wanted to grab some lunch before we have to leave." Checking my clock I come up with 13:21, it'll be a late lunch, but still a good idea.

"Sure, that's a good idea before we have to head for home and face the Admiral."

"On that note, I just got off the phone with Sturgis. He said don't worry about being charged with disobeying an order."

"The Admiral's just going to drop it?" I didn't expect him to do something like that. I'd love to shove that in Singer's face after I saw her smirk at the two us when she came aboard, but I wouldn't dare lower myself to her level.

"No, apparently he made Tiner choose which one of us to charge and since Tiner can't decide which one of us to charge, the Admiral can't charge us. Sturgis says that's exactly the out come the Admiral thought he'd get."

"So he's letting us off the hook, without actually letting us off the hook?"

"Something like that I guess." Well thank God for small favors, that's the last thing I needed on my record. Good ole' Tiner, I should buy him a couple of season tickets to the Wizard's games this year for that. "Anyway, I'm thinking about getting Tiner a pair of

Wizard season tickets this year for it." What, is he reading my mind now too? Harm's looking at me with the most puzzled expression on his face before I start laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"I was just thinking the exact same thing." Harm's mega watt smile comes to the surface and I smile back. It is a very nice smile.

"Well let's go halves on it then." Hmmm... halves on it. Now I'm thinking about other things we promised to go halves on. I nod mutely back to him, but he knows I'm thinking about something else now. At least I think he does. "Your thinking about our little promise aren't you?" Yup, he knows.

"Am I that transparent?" I could have lied to him, but for some reason didn't or maybe it's just that, I don't want to.

"Not at all, I was just thinking about the same thing."

He's done it again, surprising me when I least expect it. "Really?"

"Yeah, is that so surprising?"

"Not really I guess. You do that a lot?" Harm doesn't answer me; instead, he looks down at the deck. Is he actually shy about this? Not only is that kinda funny, but its endearingly sweet as well.

"Ever since Bud left JAG." He's been thinking about it that long?!

"And?" I'm not sure if either one of us is ready for this conversation, but maybe its time. Besides, now that we've got this momentum going I'd kick myself later if I stopped it now. I'll just scout out the terrain first.

"Seeing Harriet with AJ, I realized a lot of things." Harm has been especially helpful to Harriet as of late. He fixed her frig, helped her buy the house, but don't even get me started about that. Harm also dedicated far more weekends than any one else at JAG, helping her fix up the place. "A baby deserves so much from its parents; love, care, attention..." Harm's still not looking at me and he's trailing off, is he afraid he'll be a bad father? I've always thought he'd be a great father, which is part of the reason I agreed to this deal in the first place. "I've come to realize that our deal while being a wonderful notion is probably a mistake. Our baby would deserve more than two parents who had it because they said they would in five years." The terrain has turned out to be the Grand Canyon. I can't breathe and this crushing ache in my chest is worse than the day he left, worse than Sydney and worse than my engagement party. No matter what happened in my life, deep down I knew that Harm and I would have a family together because he promised me we would. I counted on that. Now I don't even have that, worse yet he thinks it was a mistake to even consider it. I need to get out of here. Move it MacKenzie, get out of here, and go off to find some place to cry. I only manage to take two steps before he speaks up. "Mac?" Don't listen Marine, get out of here now. "Sarah." I feel a firm hand on my shoulder as Harm spins me around to face him. I didn't even reach the door. I could fight back, but I'm too hurt to do anything. I can't believe how much it hurts. "I want a new deal." New what? I can't do this any more. This man has broken my heart more than anyone should be allowed to. My confused look must be spurring Harm on. "Sarah, I do want to have a baby with you."

"You just said it was a mistake to even consider it." I can feel the tears running down my cheeks, tears he's brushing away.

"That deal was a mistake. I want a new deal." I can't say anything back,

I have no idea what he's suggesting. "I want to have a baby with you on one condition."

"Which is?" Here it comes, its going to be another one of those if we're not seeing any one in so many years... wait he just said that...

"That we're married or about to be when it happens."

My reply was on the tip of my tongue when it registers in my brain what his condition is. He doesn't want to have a baby with me; he wants me, then our baby.

Anything else requires too much thought, I can't think of anything to say. I can feel a smile coming on and I'll let it shine through. This is the new best day of my life.

Before Harm can react, I've got my arms around him. He's slow to respond, but eventually comes through, wrapping his around me and I thank God for this day.

"I'm sorry for making you cry, but I promised myself that I'd tell you before we got home. I know my timing isn't the greatest and that this isn't the time or the place for this, but when we get home and everything settles down a bit I would very much like to take you out to dinner. So what do you say?"

Well my timing's great, so that'll make up for it. "You know you say the sweetest things sometimes. Of course I will."

"Well keep that to yourself, I've got a reputation to protect." That's true, who would guess that JAG's Superman has a romantic side to him at all?

"What about JAG and the Admiral?" I don't know what made me say that, I guess I just need to know where we stand in regards to all that awaits us back home.

"We'll inform the Admiral when we get home, I'm sure he'll understand."

"What if he doesn't?" Stop it MacKenzie, why are you doing this? Harm offers me a smile and lifts my chin up with his hand.

"Mac, I'll leave JAG before I'll give you up. This'll all work out, I promise. And when the ring makes its appearance, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Pulling back I look into his eyes to find a determination there I've never seen before. "You mean that?"

"Of course I do. That's what women want isn't it? A commitment? Well I'm ready to do that now, but only with you." Finally, our Hallmark moment has arrived. "Plus I like this deal much better than the old one anyway."

"Me too." I need another hug; I need to know that this is real and actually happening right in front of me. He wraps me up again and there's definitely something to be said about being held by Harmon Rabb Jr. I just don't know what it is or how I could explain it anyway. For a minute and 47 seconds, I'm holding everything I've ever wanted in my arms before he lets go, but that's okay. I've got a lifetime of moments just like that one lined up in front of me now.

"Mac..." Nope, that's another thing we're going to correct right now.

"Sarah." Mac's the name I use to appear friendly, but keep people at a distance to protect myself from them. I want Harm close by and at my side.

"Sarah?"

"Yeah, at least when we're alone. I can be Mac at work, in public, or in front of friends, but when it's just you and me, I want you to call me Sarah. I don't want to go by Mac when we're alone. Harm and Mac work together, but can't be together. Harm and Sarah on the other hand... they're just a man and woman in love." I only have a moment to question if I've already overstepped the boundaries of our new relationship, but thankfully Harm's up to speed now and has me pinned against the bulkhead wall in a searing kiss.

His breath tickles my ear as he breaks the kiss and whispers against it. "Okay, Sarah, do you still want to get something to eat?" Eat? Oh, right, that's why he came over here in the first place isn't it? As much as I'd love to have my way with him right here, right now, if we were caught... well best not to even start that chain of events into motion in the first place.

"Yeah, that sounds nice. Just let me freshen up a bit. You can go ahead without me if you want." I say as I grab a towel and make my way over to the head.

"No, I'll wait for you."

Stepping inside I answer back. "For how long? This could take awhile."

"As long as it takes." Hearing that makes me just want to melt in his arms. Looking into the mirror I almost wonder who is that woman in the mirror smiling back at me. The dreamy smile on her face doesn't look like anything I've ever done before. It doesn't take me long to realize that that's Sarah, that's the woman I've always wanted to be; successful, in love and loved by the man of my dreams. More than ever I can't wait to go home and start living her life.

The End

Author's Note: Sorry, but I didn't like how that baby promise was done to begin with, so I took steps to correct the problem without losing the importance of the promise. A baby truly deserves two parents who love each other. Not two friends who are using each other as a safety net. This is just a more realistic and responsible manner in which to bring a child into the world. And let's be honest, if your reading this or any other fic on this site, most likely you have aspirations to see Harm and Mac married and have kids anyway.

Once again, feedback is greatly appreciated whether you liked it or you just want to scream at me. E-mail me and do either one if you want.


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